You · were · born · inside · of · a · raindrop, · and · i · watched · you · falling · to · your · death.

Metabolism Blaster
1 tomato, chopped
1/4 cup fresh parsley leaves, minced
3 T. fresh lime juice
pinch of cayenne
1 T. olive oil
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1 green onion, chopped
1/2 cup water
Blend until smooth. Pour in a wine glass, add a sprig of celery and enjoy!

Safe foods: (in moderation is best)
Zero coke
All spices
Any teas
Celery
Apple
Beets
Broccoli
Green cabbage
Carrot
Cauliflower
Cucumber
Garlic
Green beans
Zucchini
Grapefruit
Lemon
Mango
Lettuce
Pineapple
Raspberries
Strawberries
Tangerine
Lettuce
Onion
Spinach
Miso soups
Chicken broths (low fat)

What ever happened to times when boys would go out of their way for you?

starting the project over again beginning winter break.

together, we can change tomorrow.

Poll #882054 so...
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 6

are you willing to put up before and after pictures so the community may view them?

Poll #882044 Community Poll-please participate
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 9

goal weight by xmas?

just figured out that this entire time my scale was off.
so i weighed more than i thought i did to begin with. lets just assume i weighed 136 instead of 134... and i said my goal weight was 131? well.. im at 132, but only because my goal weights are all screwed up and off by a couple pounds now. its ok ill just work harder and eat less and itll work out, cus i binged and purged a couple times and that isnt any good. no bingeing/purging anymore. just straight success!

:)

" you looked really good today," said ethan to me,
" since you came back to school from being sick... you've really slimmed down. well, i don't mean anything by that, but you know how people look after theyve been sick for a really long time...?"

inside my head i thought, "weak...? dead..?"
out loud i said, " sure i know. fragile, feminine."
"yeah, i guess," he replied.

today i had 3 altoids.
a total of 10 calories.
and i find it ridiculous that so many calories could be in such a little amount of "food."

i havent slept for a really long time. today i had a volounteer group date where we go bowling with down syndrome kids. i also had a one on one date with thomson, and I had asked HIM.
but i took a nap to escape hunger pains, and a wicked feeling of dizzines after school and i slept through all the plans i made. i think he just sat there and waited for me. i missed the bowling party for the kids i promised to go to.

i didnt even get near my maximum amount of cals for the day,
but i cut anyway.
because im that horrible a person,
and i think i'm worth no more.

yesterday we had rolling blackouts because america is an energy guzzling machine. when i was driving home with my dad i said,
"dad, sometimes i feel like you feel like i'm a disappointment because you never did this stuff for my brother, and despite it all, he's becoming a successful lawyer, and i'm falling apart both as a student and a human."
and he paused before he responded,
"that's not true. sometimes i just think, 'when will she grow up?'"

i went home today and cried.

it has an intense plan for how im going to lose 15 pounds in approx 15 days give or take

go read it,
add me
and comment
maybe just a "hello"
but i spent forever writing it.

my entries are long, but many are stories, and theyre never ever boring.
so read them, please.

i do it for all of you.

11/30/06

Food
B- 1 banana
binge: approx. 100 skittles
4 fistfuls of cheese nips
4 fistfuls of trail mix
L: 1 V8 juice
Snack: 1 orbit gum
D: Salmon sandwhich

today i broke. i didn't really try. but we all have those days. tomorrow is a new day and i'm starting over.

the plan:
115 pounds by December 25
how:
lose 2 pounds every 3 days

Current weight: 134
Goal weights to reach by December 25, per every 3 days:
12/3: 131
12/6: 129
12/9: 126
12/12: 123
12/15: 120
12/18: 117
12/21: 115
12/24: possibly 113

you guys are wondering, how is this possible?
i'll tell you how-
discipline.
control.

this will be horrible. it will be the holidays, everyone will be eating, but I WILL STAY STRONG. my first break where i will eat real food will be Christmas. however, i'll still be going to the gym to burn off as much as possible.

i've made myself almost like a bible of rules to reach my goal. it's intense, but if anyone wants to do it, you can. i doubt you will. even i think it's on the edge of crazy, if not already there. i used to be a cutter though, so i won't be too heinous.

-For every calorie that you go over diet, you must give yourself one cut in an inconspicous area.
-If ever you exceed 100 calories in a day, in addition to former rule, you must exerscice (run) until you have burned double what you have consumed.
-Every single calorie is to be meticulously charted
-At the end of the week, make an excel chart showing your calorie intake. You must cut your calorie intake by 1/2 every time you see that you gained until you are back at your goal weight again.
-Must start a journal that includes:
thinspo
calorie intake
journal
excel chart of calorie intake at end of every week
goal weight list
weight per every 3 days
-One entry per day must be made, even if only two words.
-Only allowed a 1:2 solid food to liquid ratio, so for every solid food, you must drink 2 bottles of green tea/water.
-Goal weights must be spaced for every 3 days. No weighing in between.
-If ever you fall short of goal weight, you must:
cut down to 50 calories until next goal weight is reached
exercise and burn 150 calories

i ate a lot today because i have tests tomorrow, which is friday. but tomorrow is the start of the weekend, and the start of a new life. this girl has become my "real-life" thinspo idol. look at her before and after photos:
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/dinosaurs123/1426733367_l.jpg (before)
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/dinosaurs123/1426761894_l.jpg (after)
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/dinosaurs123/1480688785_l.jpg (after)
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/dinosaurs123/1373868715_l.jpg (after)

i dont know if she knows i took these from her myspace, but im thinking that if she let everyone see her there, its no different here. anyway.

wish me luck, im starting tomorrow.

current weight: 130
Highest weight: 138
Desired weight: 90-110

Goal weights:

130
125
120
118
117
115
112
111
110

...

107
105
103
102
101
100
99
95
90

and i never thought this life was possible.
and i don't think i ever loved you more.

feeling really sick and tired of biology. keep studying hard just to basically fail. i guess im going to grow up to be someone prostitute. you know, marry some guy and just like wait for him to come home and give him a good fuck. i guess that's how life ends up. i get pretty hopeless, sometimes.

someone needs to tell me things will work out. and not him, because he always says that.. so i guess somehow ive taken it for granted. but whatever, he is pissed at me for some reason anyway. i got in the car today and he didnt so much as lift his eyes up from his stupid book to say hello. i already told him i felt like he hated me for some reason, so if hes going to keep acting like a dick, fuck that.

i like thomson but i feel uncomfortable around him. just like i dont know how to open up to him because i feel like its hard to get him to open up to me.

my doctor says she's concerned about my red blood cells. apparently they're much smaller than a healthy person's. she wants me to eat 3 meals a day with iron supplements and test me again to see if it helps me. i swear, people just want me to get fatter than i already am. richard told me just yesterday that my hips are too big for my body. and hes right. i told my mom what he said and she laughed. parents can be a bitch like that sometimes. i have to follow what the doctor says because im getting weaker and weaker. to the point where i cant sleep at night and i never feel rested... but i guess im just going to work out everyday a lot more.. that way i get the nutrients but burn the calories.

so i went to a best buddies meeting today. im not good at incoporating myself into social events, although i dont know what i was worried about.. the down syndrome kids are pretty welcoming to everyone. either way, i didnt really introduce myself to many people, but theres like a bowling party for them on friday for them and im going to go and then have fun. thomson is in the club, too, and i asked him to go out on a date with me. i guess i have to learn to be more aggressive if i want a relationship with him. usually guys trip over themselves to ask me out, but either thomson doesn't actually like me that much, or he's seriously does battle with his own head. i can't go into detail about that, because i don't have right to.

i can understand thomson well. i actually care about him. i hate his friends. theyre a waste of oxygen. and i actually mean that.

so i have five minutes left to write in here.. i started with 15.

i want to lose weight. i spend like 60 dollars a month for a gym membership, why the hell dont i go more. oh that's right, because im a moron.

shirely's going to bording school in napal. im so jealous. i wanted to like, eat her, when she told me today. but im guessing that wouldn't really help me lose weight, would it.

my socks smell. and i have 3 minutes left to write. andy or jess if youve ended up on my page somehow, leave me a message. same with all of you other random people. yayyy. anyway.

2 minutes.

ive been listening to the same song by keane over and over again.
"bend break"

When you, when you forget your name
When old faces all look the same
Meet me in the morning, when you wake up
Meet me in the morning, then you'll wake up

If only I don't bend, and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning, when you wake

Bitter and hardened heart
Aching, waiting for life to start
Meet me in the morning, when you wake up
Meet me in the morning, then you'll wake up

really good song. gotta go now. its 5:00. <3

Public - 8:00 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Sunday, November 05, 2006

don't do it.
i admit it. i made a huge mistake. i fell too hard, too fast and ended up really hurt. why i didn't just keep walking that sunday afternoon, why i didnt let him keep the locket and just turn away... i'll regret that for a long, long time. he moved on a week later. 9 months and one week later he forgot about everything. it meant nothing, some bad memory of some pathetic girl he once thought he could care for forever in some regretful past.

she's pretty i guess, in an innocent kind of way. i can understand why he wanted her so quickly. a relief from the nightmares. with this girl, there was no worry of whether she'd live another day, or whether she'd cause another scene. she looks like a twelve-year old. everyone says it. i wonder if he touches her the way he touched me. i wonder if he feels the same way when she's in his arms, laying next to him. is it all just one pathetic pattern? is there no sincerety behind it all? is love simply the point when one is tired of the patterns, the point when one desires change? it's nothing. it's meaningless; worthless.

everytime i see him with her it hurts me that he could have moved on, and i'm still sitting here dwelling on the past. i want to cry, sob, drown in my tears, because i'm choking on the pain, and it has broken me. in a way, i'm happier. the masochistic desires have faded away, the depression has left me; but where i once didn't feel a sense of loneliness with him, i now feel empty. i wish i could have celebrated my new self with him. but now, i am simply alone.

i want to run up to him and stand in front of him. i want to look deep in his eyes and kiss him on the forehead, right in between his eyebrows. i want to whisper "i love you" in his ear and press the tear that rolls down my cheek onto his neck. i want to slow dance with him, hand on my waist, my small hands in his strong hold. i want him to write to me in his notes, and address them "the only woman i'll ever love," the way he did before.

and it hurts,
simply because it will never happen again.

Public - 4:39 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

worthless
People are worthless. Ruling out killers, rapistists, etc., there is nothing worse than an undependable person. what is the point of having friends when you could do with enemies? i've been so used to being friends with guys that relationships were never a problem. i hate how they use you. people, that is. they screw with your head. they can look straight into your eyes while thinking solely of your body, your kiss, your touch, your charm. and the pathetic part is that it doesnt matter to them that you dont want it back. i know nothing i'm saying makes sense because even i'm not listening to what i'm writing. here's the story. but i cant use real names.

alex liked me. he asked me out. i just got out of a bad breakup with aaron. i didnt want another boyfriend, and alex wasn't really my type anyway. i saw him more as my brother than as my boyfriend, but i said that i would love to. i told yasmin that i didn't want a relationship. she told me not to drag him along. so i took him to coffee and explained how i felt. and it was good, for a while. then somehow we ended up at the beach alone. i should have paid more attention to the look in his eyes. he wanted so much more than i was willing to give. and he kissed me. i tried to smile and feign happiness, but sooner than later he had to understand how strongly i did not want to have a relationship with him. i had said, just randomly, that john was handsome. he is. so is alex. it was beside the point. it was just a random notation. but yasmin blew it up. suddenly i was a slut. whatever, it got straightened out, i could move on, but i hate being disrespected with untrue slander. i went to a party, and met a boy: mitch. he was sweet and handsome. alex drove me home because i was piss drunk and claimed that i was hitting on him in more ways than one. i was drunk but i remember the ride home pretty well and it's untrue. if anything, i was being silly and swinging my arms about a lot. i called mitch and wanted to see him. we exchanged "i like yous" and went to homecoming together. it was great. but he never has any time. he doesnt ever call me i call him. i'm kind of classic romantic. the man chases the woman, not the other way around. i believe in kisses in the clark gable style. i believe in legs popping up with the perfect kiss. i believe in the sweet, no tongue, soft, tender kisses. and boys calling girls. but i guess it doesnt work like that anymore. but i wanted to so bad. i'm worth being chased. i dont have to chase others. if it doesnt happen, ill just have to walk away, because im not wasting my time on a boy who wont waste his time on me.

then i called mitch. he said john told him something that he didnt want to know. i finally dragged it out of him. "mina likes to make out with alex a lot." wth. one kiss means that? one unwanted, unexpected kiss? pathetic. which brings me back to my first point. people are worthless.

Public - 8:52 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Currently Listening
Everything in Transit
By Jack's Mannequin
Last Straw
see related

1. Current Height: 5'4

2. Current Weight: 134
3. Highest weight at current height: 138
4. Lowest weight at current height: 120

5. Pants size: 4-6

6. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder?
no

7. How often do you weigh yourself?
less than once a week

8. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes?
no, but i gasped.

9. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose?
thighs.. and i wish i had a thinner face with higher cheekbones

10. What body type do you have:
fit and curvey. i've got hips but there are some love handles that are incorporated.
11. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment?
50%

12. Have you been made fun of because of your weight?
my family makes fun of me a lot.
13. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you?
yes
14. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose?
110 lbs

15. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body?

i don't know yet.

16. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight?

of course.
17. What is the driving force behind your need to lose weight?
i want to feel beautiful as people want me to believe that i am. i dont believe them, i think compliments are worthless. i want to feel beautiful, not be told i'm beautiful.